Love Question of the Week

June 22, 2005 Question:
I have been dating Alex for the past two months, and he seems “Mr. Right” for me in many ways. But his impulsivity is driving me crazy. He likes to do everything on the spur of the moment, and changes our plans—-like from a dinner to a movie-—sometimes an hour before I’m getting ready to go out with him. I scored low on this love trait from your book, but I’m sure he is high. I’ve gently told Alex this is hard on me, but nothing seems to change. What do you advise? Jennifer

Our Answer:
Psychologists used to call this trait impulsivity—simply, the person who acts on-the-spur-of-the-moment--but, in our more caring vocabulary today, and for good reason, we now call it Spontaneity. If there’s a distinction, it’s minor but worth noting: impulsivity is often linked to delinquency and even criminality.
But this is not necessarily true for the person who is spontaneous. In fact, that individual is fun to be with. Even if reckless, there’s always excitement in the air. “What’s next?” is the neon sign to be followed. And who is not ready for the unexpected, the happy surprise, the weekend away to Shangri-La? Not to be labeled in any pejorative way, both poles are there from birth onward-- the risk-taker and the cautious.
Some people, like your friend Alex, are high on Spontaneity. They seek “newness” every minute of their lives. If we knew Alex as a baby, he would be the one to coo when you dangled a new toy in front of him. Another infant, low on this trait, would do the opposite--turn away fearfully, fret and even cry. Each was born that way, and these responses do not change over time.

How can you, Jennifer, help Alex? Not so much by telling him “how hard it is for you” but by showing him. Be a role-model for him. Demonstrate that your style, with planning and careful decision-making, is not the presumed killer to be feared. Since this trait was there from his infancy, know that like Alex’s eye-color, it’s not to be changed. But, if he’s willing, modification could certainly help. “Mr. Right” is hard to find, and if you think you’ve found him, perhaps you too could make some changes–- and be accepting. It’s your choice.